Parcel and Past Tense

I attended the Toronto-Singapore Film Festival organized by a friend today. Although the movies were not the best cut or edited or acclaimed, I enjoyed the fact that they engaged me and allowed me the freedom of thinking and wondering.

'Past Tense' was like an injected current into a once tepid pool of water. It stirred up currents and the forgotten things in my thoughts. The whole notion of memories, the past, people, particular translated into latches or anchors (if you will), that we use to see ourselves.

I thought of all the latches or anchors, if you will, we use to attach ourselves to a particular context. These are what keeps us grounded and the backdrop that we play against; in relation to it, it seems that everything makes sense. In relation to it, it seems we remember we have a past, a history and a slate full of information that tells us, this is who we are.

While being in context is all well and good, to the person or individual who is a new creation, such a reminder of the old is like a scar being scoured with salt. Like the recent novel A Million Pieces, the solution opted for, is the one that will break you. Fighting harder to leave it, then just making peace with it. A greater trauma in need of a greater period of healing.

Si vous voyez ma coeur, tu veux compendre. Toute de suite. Even though your chidings are from the most sincere place, they are like great dosses of salt on the scars; yours and mine. Yours because you doubt there is an easier way to healing and mine, because you show me I have scars.

Mais, il y a l'espoir toujours. Pourquoi? Parce-que...c'est d'endroit d'amour. But always remember, where there is also faith there is the right way: the simple decision not to pick up the yoke. But to leave it at the feet of the Lord.

There are certain latches, really chains that we have to remove. We are no longer imprisoned, so let us lift off those things that keep us from soaring.

Speechless. Devoid of words. Mum. Thoughtless. Joyful. Frustrated.

The body becomes the greatest prosecutor and defendor in music.

Take it as it is.

Locked out for a moment

"야...왜그래 나는???" was the feeling I had when the door knob failed to yield.

The level of sucking increases when you have an egg mask on your face. -_- Blinking helplessly with an immobile face, I postulated several alternatives: a) Camp outside my room; b) Call locksmith; c) Ask Roomie

Roomie it was. After major executive decision-making, I decided to sacrifice my 10-minute mask. It would go off in 5...

Me: *peering under the door for light of each door* *knock knock on Abishek's door*
Abe: Hey
Me: Abe...I locked myself out of my room!! Abe, what do I do??
Abe: Umm....*Rummages for hammer*

Abe rocks! I had apparently gone to the right roomie. He had unlocked that door twice before. Both times involved the weapon of choice - the hammer. In this instance though, he managed to pry and jiggle. It's the skills, baby!

Thanks also to the Man Upstairs! A quick prayer to help, guided footsteps and a little bit of hope go a long way too!

Thank you Emily. I received your love in the post. :)

Sifting

Sifting through all the information I collected and produced in university, I wonder: how much is actually useful and should I retain?

Urban waste management, social research methods, environmental theory, dramas and literature. How much of it will I go back to?

Not wanting to keep it, but not wanting to throw away my own penmanship.

Sigh. No wonder I have so much unfinished packing.

Slow Down and Relax

I feel so relaxed now. Tonight, I have Winterlicious Pangaea to look forward to. YES! Can't wait to have a nice dinner with my girl friend(s).

I was thinking that I'd have that job right now. But maybe, I don't need that job. They have yet to get back to, but I won't be upset if they turn me down. Actually, it'll be rather nice to take things slow, fill out my donship applications and have Becky come over a little earlier than expected.

Everything is being laid out so beautifully. Couldn't have been done any better.

I am free

The tremendous testing has been lifted off my chest. It feels good to know that I am not under the pressure anymore. Whatever happens, doing well or not doing well, I leave that in Your hands. I did the best I could. Now I just have to wait to glorfiy Him.

A lot of thoughts have been flooding in, along with many responsibilities that have been waiting for me. You tell me now to worry, because tommorrow has its worries. Tommorrow has arrived, and I will resume the work that You have left for me. And I simply be the channel in which all comes from You.

There were so many new faces at church today. I feel certain and assured that this next month and a half will be great and God will move and we will testify to Your work.

You're awesome.

Korean dramas, Pangaea, fun and games, here I come!

Testing Draws Near

I won't ever know my reach till I'm tested.

I think about this, as the LSATs are drawing near. I try harder on my part, but it seems the dream You've bestowed me, wavers and wanes. The assurance of UT Law School was once 100%. I don't want that to go away. Ever. I don't EVER want to EVER doubt what You've assured me. When I almost died, You saved my life. How can I forget that assurance that You will bless me and keep me?

I know that I have my limits. I know that beyond my limits is the infinite of the Lord God Almighty. How easy it would be if I just rushed head long and jumped off that cliff; trusting that the Lord would catch me and show me I don't only have legs; but the wings of an eagle.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
(Proverbs 3:5)

A matter of focus

Darn it. I can't seem to concentrate. I think it's all the food I bought in Chinatown. They're beckoning at me....

Ok, ok. So I know that food has no actual willpower or vocal chords to MAKE me lavish attention on them more so than on my LSATs. Me and my fidgety hands. Better pack them away and completely focus on my LSATs and take occasional breaks; maybe with food.

Actually not. Occasional exhalation of thoughts on the blog, stretching and cleaning my room for Young Mi's visit should do the trick. Then a nice, hot shower.

Prayer Requests (This is where I put down things you guys can pray for me! Please and Thank you!) :

Overall: Excel and grow in the month of February

1. Saturday 4th: LSAT - do well to glorify God, subsequently getting in UT;
2. Deeper & closer relationship with God;
   
3. 6th: Complete dance routine for audition;
   
4. Establishment of Holy-Spirit lead-cell;
5. More intimate relationship with my disciples;
   
6. 15th - 20th: Completion of donship applications, pray for my favor with those who review the applications; get a donship!
   
7. Share of Christ's love in the workplace and friends;
   
8. Breaking down problems into smaller bite-size pieces e.g. so when something happens, I can give the person the slice, and not the cake...too overwhelming; the grief on both sides...
   
9. Boldness & articulation in speaking;

Thanks guys. Where would I be without prayer? The way of communication that God gives us to ask and receive of things. In all things, may God's will be done!

Home - Ma Petite Piece!

I love my new little place! I love that...

1. It's uniquely turquoise and lime coloured;
2. I can sit on my bed and go on the internet without moving; cross-legged with just my t-shirt on and my nerdy glasses, I feel like a nerdy artsy. A cup of milk tea/steaming coffee would round the picture.
3. It's in the attic
4. I have a little nook at the end of my bed in which I can just hide and just read the Bible or another book.
5. The quietness is so pure.
6. I have privacy.
7. Chinese groveries and food are just a few feet away. Craving bbtea? No problem. A 5 minute walk will take me there and back. Who needs japanese when you have szechuan?
8. My neighborhood no uniform. It's tailor made. Among run-down house and Chinese street signs, there's uniqueness as opposed to the prep-house style of St. George & Bloor.

Will post up pics next week...after my LSATs.

Moved In

The internet's hooked up. My music is playing. There's a place to sleep and a nice wide path to walk to the door. I'm drinking a green tea red bean slushi. It's pouring rain outside. But I feel like I'm home, in this house.

For the first time in a long time, I am independent. Really independent. Paying for my own rent, buying my own groceries, moving my stuff. It was all a painful and rough experience, but I love it all the same. I'm 24, and finally I am free to do what I want to do, but also free to do what's right. I think about yesterday's gruelling packing, multiple trips back and forth and pure exhaustion. My muscle aches remind me that I'm alive and my body is unfortunately limited. But my fuel? No way. God gives me the energy to go all the way. Even while I carry loads of groceries back home from Kensington and Chinatown, I am reminded, and I am SO glad. I can't imagine how I would be like now, if I didn't survive with Jesus by my side.

For the first time, I was making meal choices for myself. Instinctually, I went for the things that Em and I would get or maybe what Anuska would want; out of nostalgy I got a little bit of both. How I wish you guys could see me now...today, was a tribute to all of you, even though both of you are not living with me anymore.

I love my room...this sharp turqoise with lime green trimmings around the wall and the door. God, did you carve this place out for me? What DON'T You give me? All the colors of the stuff go so well with this place. I could live here for more than 3 months. Maybe that's Your intentions...

So blessed, so loved and so grateful.

Have a bad day?

The Conservatives won the federal election! Despite all the party-bashing at the office, postulation of Steven Harper leading Canada to destruction, I know that won't be the case. It's not just about 'change'. It's not about right or left. It's about right and wrong. This nation was built on godly principles, and that's why it's blessed with resources. But its current state will only dwindle if we let Liberals take over.



Just finished watching Harry Potter - Goblet of Fire. I would say it's on par with the first one.

I know some people who have bad days for no reason. They just wake up and just surrender to the belief that they will have a bad day, and very expectedly, they do. They shouldn't be surpised; your mind controls the rest of your body. If you succumb to the negative mentality, your whole body prepares and expects it. Like preparing for an attack from a flu virus, your immune system prepares and expects the virus. Lending power to the belief that you're going to have a bad day only manifests it.

So like that, I refuse to wake up and allow myself to believe that it's going to be a bad day. God didn't make me defeatist in the way I live. He made me so that I may delight in Him and glorify His name. He made me to rejoice and have joy and gladness overflowing my heart. He made me and decided to have a relationship with me so that I would be victorious as a child of God. A relationship in which He swore to give me much and love me as I was. So that when I come across something that He gaves me, I rejoice all the more.

Lord, thanks for telling me my security pass was in the laundry bin. I would not have known to look in there had you not told me...what with all the moving clutter surrounding me.

Federal Election Day

It's the 23rd. Packing, rifling through past notes and essays and disgarding things. All that information, but how much of it have I retained or even used? I like to hoard things, especially information. But unused information is just useless.

The apartment is in semi-moving out mode. Opened suitcases, random objects and avalanches of clothes. Saturday is the big move-out day. I know I need not be stressed about it. Like all other great transitions in my life, it'll come and pass through. I'm holding onto the promises that God has sworn to me. LSATs, donship and job applications, cell group, everything.

How awesome it is to have my creator look after me. In Him I can trust, regardless of circumstances and obstacles I face. I triumph because He is all goodness and He has blessed me, despite all my faults. Despite the many times I have made a mistake. Thank you Jesus.

24

Testing.