In the span of 24 hours, God can do many things. He can speak to a self-condemning girl like me and fill me up with His spirit and give me life and breathe once again. 

One day I was weighted down by the law because I tried to do with my flesh. It was killing me.

Today I did but asked for His spirit, and I could feel that I was being resuscitated. 

The mystery of God. 

On a lighter note, I discovered a magical little alley in Granville. How could I not know about this little street and it's wonderful mall??? Bought a tight-fitting high-waisted denim skirt. Hmm..need to lose some weight in the middle to look extra svelte in it. But a good purchase nonetheless at $100. 

Also saw a Alexander McQueen dress for $792. The sample was totally worth it. It's too bad my body is literally not the right rack for it. Lead me to think about other things in general, like boys. They are wonderful, but they are well, just not right for me. 

ing coat - 450 

avante garde vest - 450 

satin blue sleeveless top - 450 

leather ankle boots - 399 

Sigh. I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with fashion....may consider bring jj back there. I'm pretty sure she'll go mad too...

Darkness

I'm feeling like Jonah right now, sinking deeper and deeper into the sea. Feeling morose and resentful and all those crappy feelings. I feel hurt and raw and bitter that things didn't go my way. 

Looking at facebook, at his'n'her dialogue, feeling upset at the way I spoke tonight about the lack of eye contact and affirmation from my fellow dinner table guy, feeling discouraged about the judging comments made in the car and the absolute conviction of my parents that they will never become Christians. Upset that I haven't chosen a house church. 

It makes me wonder: why do I even try? is it really worth it? 

It's not easy being me and I keep on complaining and wanting more. I hate it and yet I still live this vicious cycle. When can I stop? When will I feel like I can breathe? 

I wish I was right with You God. Where did my passion for You go? Where is my worship to my first love?? Why am I living in this hell hole?? 

I feel so screwed up, ungrateful and unloveable. 

Why do You still love me anyway....