Random Pre-INS Thoughts

I've arrived. In New Zealand, Auckland. Just one ferry ride away from the ultimate destination - Orama, Great Barrier Island.

Now awaiting the ferry that will "bring me home", I don't know what to expect.

Apprehensive and anxious, I feel like I'm preoccupied with those thoughts.

Deep breathe and calm. That's what I need. If I could inhale the serene blue of the sky and feel it fill me up. I feel like that's what it must feel and how you can describe to a child what it's like to have God's peace beyond understanding.

I want so much. Yet I want without discerning or specifying. Hmm.

I feel all this pent up business inside of me. I need it somehow to vacate. I need to release it. I need to be free.

To want and know not where to begin...

Questions questions questions

Will I survive the cold?

Will I make friends?

Will I fit in?

Am I ready for what God has in store?

Will I meet someone?

Thoughts thoughts thoughts

I'm freezing

I should have brought more spaghetti straps

I miss home

Is this too crazy?? Am I doing the right thing?

Will I be able to write like I thought?


Arrggggghhhhhhh.

what is the point of being "wise" if you don't take your own advice?

what the crap is that??

ugh.

a true fool.

Surfacing

As work chugs along and picks up pace to that special day, thoughts on friends, friendship and community rise to the surface. Things which I allowed to sink into the oceanic depths of my heart are reappearing; whether I like it or not. And they're not pretty.

Do I choose to salve or feign ignorance? History says I opt for the latter; an emotional shutdown for every time my hopes are met with hurts. It would be easier to maintain a distance from these shipwrecks. My heart would sigh gladly and be relieved. I could continue living a sheltered existence. Yet...

The lure or more, of adventure and pocketing gems of self-discovery invites me to step out.

To date or not to date?
To initiate communication or to not communicate?

Those are just questions that bring me to even deeper places. I feel unready and non prepared.

But I have a strange feeling that I am a lot more ready than I presume myself to be...

God, help me not to freak out.

Bonnie

Bonnie is going to talk in third person...

Bonnie is over-the-moon happy over her piping hot yam, its candied insides and its smoked, caramel skin.

Bonnie is thankful that God made yams and that she can appreciate them during this time. :)