Here's a thought:

Stop focusing on what isn't or not enough or wrong. Stop looking for the non-love.

Focus on the love that has been given.

You'll be a lot happier...and freer when you've moved on.

Sail away...

No More Silence

Dear God,

I really want to address you as Daddy and that's who you are to me, but today it feels unnatural and uncomfortable. Maybe it's because the distance between you and I is greater today. Or maybe it hurts and reminds me that my relationship with my earthly daddy isn't great now...

The silence between me and daddy are before me. Walls are ever before me, ones that I have erected and retreated behind. They seemed safe, but in reality they are oppressors that remain tall and erect, unyielding, unbending, there are no exceptions to the rule. Has it always been this way? Maybe it has but now even more so, as we carry the walls, these burdens in the house, in the car, in our lives, their weighty presence crushing the livelihood I thought they would sustain. Self-defense mechanisms suck...and I don't want to keep living like this.

I lament the years that I've wasted not rising above it. But I dare to dream and I dare to rise above it now. I CHOOSE this: To take the risk to be honest and sincere from my heart...and trust that His Grace will sustain us and bring us to reconciliation. If Germany can reunite, so can we...

Dear daddy,

I wish so many things for us. Good things. Things that we had and things that we never did. Maybe you aren't proud of me and you're disappointed in me, but that's ok. Jesus will heal those hurts of mine. But enough of the heaviness. That's not for us. We were made with joy and we will live lives of reconciliation, joy, realness, mutual understanding, respect, love. I speak goodness over our relationship!

Love conquers! He will not fail. :)

Love,
Your daughter

In elementary school my report cards always said that I was diligent but a daydreamer. Now that I'm an adult, I trust that daydreaming is good and believe that my daydreams are not just idyllic fantasies, but visions that can fill reality with His hope and His intentions.

That's my reality. What's yours?

Pursuit of Stillness

Restlessness is catching up with me and the joy and hope that I brought back from NZ seems to have temporarily hid away. I hope this is only temporary.

I let busyness and distractions get the best of me, when what I needed was to enjoy the rest I'm receiving.

No, I didn't have to check gmail a gazillion times.
No, I didn't have to surf FB. I really didn't have to.

None of these things are THAT important.

Sigh. There's still 14 more days to go. I don't want to waste this opportunity of experiencing Your mothering storge side of Your heart.

Help me hunger for Your presence more.
Help me focus on You.
Help me do all things...because I can't do anything without You.

That state of utter weakness confounds many and to the world it is easily the state in which I can be attacked, hurt.

But there is beauty, strength and it is completely the place where You can do the most. Vulnerability is incredible.

Random Pre-INS Thoughts

I've arrived. In New Zealand, Auckland. Just one ferry ride away from the ultimate destination - Orama, Great Barrier Island.

Now awaiting the ferry that will "bring me home", I don't know what to expect.

Apprehensive and anxious, I feel like I'm preoccupied with those thoughts.

Deep breathe and calm. That's what I need. If I could inhale the serene blue of the sky and feel it fill me up. I feel like that's what it must feel and how you can describe to a child what it's like to have God's peace beyond understanding.

I want so much. Yet I want without discerning or specifying. Hmm.

I feel all this pent up business inside of me. I need it somehow to vacate. I need to release it. I need to be free.

To want and know not where to begin...

Questions questions questions

Will I survive the cold?

Will I make friends?

Will I fit in?

Am I ready for what God has in store?

Will I meet someone?

Thoughts thoughts thoughts

I'm freezing

I should have brought more spaghetti straps

I miss home

Is this too crazy?? Am I doing the right thing?

Will I be able to write like I thought?


Arrggggghhhhhhh.

what is the point of being "wise" if you don't take your own advice?

what the crap is that??

ugh.

a true fool.

Surfacing

As work chugs along and picks up pace to that special day, thoughts on friends, friendship and community rise to the surface. Things which I allowed to sink into the oceanic depths of my heart are reappearing; whether I like it or not. And they're not pretty.

Do I choose to salve or feign ignorance? History says I opt for the latter; an emotional shutdown for every time my hopes are met with hurts. It would be easier to maintain a distance from these shipwrecks. My heart would sigh gladly and be relieved. I could continue living a sheltered existence. Yet...

The lure or more, of adventure and pocketing gems of self-discovery invites me to step out.

To date or not to date?
To initiate communication or to not communicate?

Those are just questions that bring me to even deeper places. I feel unready and non prepared.

But I have a strange feeling that I am a lot more ready than I presume myself to be...

God, help me not to freak out.

Bonnie

Bonnie is going to talk in third person...

Bonnie is over-the-moon happy over her piping hot yam, its candied insides and its smoked, caramel skin.

Bonnie is thankful that God made yams and that she can appreciate them during this time. :)