I vacillate a lot between utmost despair to peaks of euphoria and that yo-yo ing is becoming less extreme. But still there are parts inside me that I know need attention. Places where I look and think, "God, this is so ugly. You're bringing this to the surface...how do I deal...

I'm walking through that valley right now. Being honest with myself, being brave enough to face myself was the hardest yet past time. Increasing light in me continues to cause the darkness to retreat and tremble. It also reveals vermin that need to be dealt with. Jealousy, relationship issues, rebelliousness. They're not good things, but I'm glad they're being sieved out.

And I am encouraged by these verses:

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Galations 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body is lived by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.

It's a late night for me, kids. But it was a good one, and nice place to start reflecting in lieu of the upcoming weekend.

It'll be interesting to see the aftermath.

Favorite Quotes

Sheep: I'm going to keep faking it till I feel it.

This is not about sex about by the way.

The Morning After

10:38 am. Causeway Bay. "obama" service apartments...

i sit before you, supposedly sleeping, but decidedly awake in the living room with Elizabeth Town playing in the background.

i feel better. those words "i hate boys" resounded this morning in my head as i emerged into waking. it was relieving to say the least to put out there what i felt.

but the question remains: what do i do with it?

for a girl like me, the greatest of liars that can even fool myself, it's another confession - another clue to the depths of my heart and truly am.

it comes in a time when i am rediscovering myself. haha. i am always discovering myself. but to bring it to the open to make it "real"...

thanks l for calling. things are getting better more than they are getting worse.

i'm glad i have great girl friends. :)

blue cheese tastes good with instant coffee. so wine can kiss its ass. :P

Second Time Round...

i did not expect that i would enter this headspace again. i thought i had resolved this issue in my heart. but as things happen, i am.

why must i go through this pain again? all the hurt and distrust of guys just wells up inside me again. why do i fall so easily? why don't they like me back? is it because i'm not good enough? a candid confession if there is any of me floating around on cyber space. i feel like there is all this "stuff" that's inside of me. i feel insecure.

even though anticipating what she was gonna say and what was going on, there is always the unexpected - how i'll react in the situation. she didn't expect i would be this hurt. i braved on honesty and told her how confusing he was. that helped for me to be real. 

once again, like in the k & j situation i seemed gracious and strong. but i'm not. even if jj says i am. but isn't that the not good part? God wants me to be weak so He can be my strength. 

even so, i feel like i've been rejected.  talking to my cousin who tried to comfort me helped a little. i'm pondering if i should call on my prayer army and ask for their support. 

i wonder when i will learn my lesson. how will i handle this? is this a test? how will i fare on it?why can't i just be happy for once for a new couple??? when will i stop envying and living for myself? 

all these spirit-breaking questions. humbling. and also i'm wondering: by circumstance or by my choice? 

when will i have my happy ending? 

In the span of 24 hours, God can do many things. He can speak to a self-condemning girl like me and fill me up with His spirit and give me life and breathe once again. 

One day I was weighted down by the law because I tried to do with my flesh. It was killing me.

Today I did but asked for His spirit, and I could feel that I was being resuscitated. 

The mystery of God. 

On a lighter note, I discovered a magical little alley in Granville. How could I not know about this little street and it's wonderful mall??? Bought a tight-fitting high-waisted denim skirt. Hmm..need to lose some weight in the middle to look extra svelte in it. But a good purchase nonetheless at $100. 

Also saw a Alexander McQueen dress for $792. The sample was totally worth it. It's too bad my body is literally not the right rack for it. Lead me to think about other things in general, like boys. They are wonderful, but they are well, just not right for me. 

ing coat - 450 

avante garde vest - 450 

satin blue sleeveless top - 450 

leather ankle boots - 399 

Sigh. I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with fashion....may consider bring jj back there. I'm pretty sure she'll go mad too...

Darkness

I'm feeling like Jonah right now, sinking deeper and deeper into the sea. Feeling morose and resentful and all those crappy feelings. I feel hurt and raw and bitter that things didn't go my way. 

Looking at facebook, at his'n'her dialogue, feeling upset at the way I spoke tonight about the lack of eye contact and affirmation from my fellow dinner table guy, feeling discouraged about the judging comments made in the car and the absolute conviction of my parents that they will never become Christians. Upset that I haven't chosen a house church. 

It makes me wonder: why do I even try? is it really worth it? 

It's not easy being me and I keep on complaining and wanting more. I hate it and yet I still live this vicious cycle. When can I stop? When will I feel like I can breathe? 

I wish I was right with You God. Where did my passion for You go? Where is my worship to my first love?? Why am I living in this hell hole?? 

I feel so screwed up, ungrateful and unloveable. 

Why do You still love me anyway....

Simply Put

" Thank You. "

These words said in etiquette are so easy to say, and yet so often I find myself mum and almost feeling deserving when I receive good things. After all, I am me...why wouldn't someone give me things? I am entitled. I am...well, I just am. 

But in the midst of it, what You've done, not out of courtesy or obligation, but a gift of tremendous value, my "thank you" doesn't seem quite enough for what You're about to do in my life, my family's life, my co worker's life. A simple "thank you" doesn't express enough how in the deepest part of my heart, I feel an immense debt of gratitude, of appreciation that I can never  repay. And yet, happily relieved that I cannot pay the price. 

God, You're so good. Thank you. 

While my "thank you" may never suffice, yet in seems in a way the most closest to how I feel.