This space, I've been here before. The uncomfortable and uncertain space between two phases in your life, like the accordion bit between carriages...

There isn't really a going forward or a backward. It's a question of where I want to be and where I should be...


Today wasn't such a great day. It was mostly sobering because I realised that May had a point and I was greatly humbled. The complaining, my calloused and party pooper attitude towards this job. Hananim mi an hae. Nae ga chal moet ae ss o. Yong so hae ju sae yo...I've been such a jerk about this...I've been ungratefuly and forgotten that I should do the best job that I can. She's right...I need to be patiently abiding, humbled and submitted to whatever God will have me do...I've got to take responsibility for what I do, and stop being immature about it and take ownership of what I do...

Flicker

There are those encounters you have that breathe a flicker of life back into you. They rescucitate you always at the most significant of times.

I met up with Perry yesterday and he reminded me once again that I must inhale. Otherwise I'd exhume before my time.

I guess I've been holding my breathe. These days have been painful, being deconstructed. I feel like and am like a house that is being built down. What you would see are my skeletons. Yes. I am like the valley of the dry bones. Thinking that I am preserving life by holding it in, I contain staleness. Holding on so desperately to death when what I need is life. I need God's breathe in me. His life, not mine. So why am I being such an ass about this? Prolonging death instead of embracing the living?

I want to move on.

Hearing God's Voice Part III

Being able to hear God's voice - three steps

1) Availability - no better time than the present (SCHEDULE THE TIME FOR HIM)
Matthew 4 - Man cannot live on bread alone, but only the Word of Life;
Isaiah 40 (those who wait on the Lord soar on the wings of eagles);
Daniel 6 - example who spent regular time with the Lord
*disobeying nudgings = won't get them anymore

2) Willingness
John 7:16 onwards. If you are willing to obey, you'll know it's Him.
He speaks in ways He will test us, make us grow
Acts 8 - Paul listened
Be blessed by taking that step of faith - decision that takes the most?

3) Humility - discernment
- If only we see how God is protecting us with His angels, His omnipotence
Numbers 12 - Moses most humblest man on face on earth - could speak to God face to face.
"if God is for you who can be against you???
God: You're a fool.
You: Yes I am.

God: You're the king of the universe.
You: Yes I am.

Psalm 138
Matthew 23

God most abhors pride.

Question: Why do I want to hear God's voice?
Need only?
His children.
Ephesians 5:10

It's been so long since I've sat down and collected my thoughts, to be responsible to them and really allow them to be heard.

Wait. Has it really been so long? I know I sound redundant, but when I think how long it's been that I've picked up the mirror to look at myself, I realise that I've held back for too long.

It's time...to pick up the pen again.

To write how I feel, to acknowledge them, to more than God and a few chosen few, but to unknown faces.

How do I begin?

Do I start from where I left off?

Wherever I start, I know one thing is true. Even if I am little, my voice will not be.

My voice will be heard.

Bethany Dillon - Let your light shine

Verse 1
The calmer of the sea
Here in this room with me
So gently welcoming
The weakest things in me

You are the blood over
The door of my heart
What pain You spared me from
How could I know it all

Wonderful love You died for me
The power of
Your life is in me

Chorus
Father let Your light shine down on me (x2)
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father let Your light shine down on me

Verse 2
Oh Jesus You became
What was my deepest shame
That had Your very name
My callous heart would change

How could You perfect one
Love me when I have done
Nothing that's worthy of
My freedom You have won

Oh wonderful one
You've died for me
The power of love
Your life is in me

Chorus

Bridge
Open up the heavens
Pour down Your spirit
Hold me God
Oh Jesus whoever You lead
Sing harmony
Shine on me God

Chorus (x 3)

I love going braless. :)

Perhaps the most physically free/liberated I can feel without feeling uncomfortable or offending others. Like PeeWee Herman.

Loose Ends

I better write this down before I forget all of it. Life is blurry since university. It's not good.

1. Dream (surprise engagement party)
2. Dream (withdrawal scrolls, washroom - lots of lumps in the bowl, slowly swirling, difficulty flushing, parents, in part of Toronto and I was in this movie, then China with Im-Sook and she's bargaining prices for something)
3. What is he waiting for? I sense that it is not me. Does that mean that it's not meant to be?
4. The winning point: God is after our hearts. If that's the case, how bad could anything be?

Your words assure and sustain me.

1. Assurance of Salvation (1 John 5:11-12)
And this is the testimony: "God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

2. Assurance of Answered Prayers (John 16:24)
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

3. Assurance of Victory (1 Corinthians 10:13)
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

4. Assurance of Forgiveness (1 John 1:9)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

5. Assurance of Guidance (Provers 3:5-6)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

6. Putting Christ first (Matthew 6:33)
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

7. His Strength (Philippians 4:13)
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

8. God's Word (Psalms 119:9,11)
How does a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word...I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

9. Love (John 13:34-35)
A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. All men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.

10. Giving (2 Corinthians 9:7)
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

11. The church (Psalm 122:1)
I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go to the house of the Lord."

12. Good Works (Ephesians 2:10)
For we are God's workmanship, created in Jesus Christ to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do.

I ask why, knowing that I won't be the one who knows why.

I ask how, knowing that I won't be the one who knows how.

I ask where, knowing that I won't be the who knows where.

It's always been this way with me. The peeping tom. I can't invade thinking space. I can't always understand.

And I just can't be at all places at once.

I want to though.

That's only something You seem to be able to do.

Bethany Dillon - For My Love lyrics

Walk towards me
I want to hear
the heavens singing over You
When You breathe
and look at me
I want to be captured by You

Gaze into my eyes
let me know You'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with You tonight
Just ask me
For my love

I want to hide
What's deep in my eyes
I'm scared to be known by You
But when I turn my head
I see You there
I wanna be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip Your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with You tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I would wake from
Story that will never end
The ground Your feet walk on
Let me be there
Let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
X2

Slip your hand in mine
Ask me dance with You tonight
Ask me for my love


Sidenote: Falling in love, knowing that I am loved and knowing that women want to be loved like this, the song's sentiments resonate with me. Bethany Dillon, you can strum the chords of my heart anytime.

On a deeper level, the thanks goes to the Big Man Upstairs. For trusting us with spreading Your message. It blows my mind when I ask myself why You trust me, us. Besides the fact that You are with us always, could it be because You designed us and know we could do it with Your help? Even though You don't need us?

There's so many ways to conclude. I mean, B, just pick a path and follow it. I'd like to think of it like this: You let us do things, so in the midst, we learn that You know us everything about us. And as we learn how much You know us, we experience You.

Thanks Pr.Sam for the mindblowing message you gave yesterday. SP, you're the one for me, till ?

This journey to loving myself, loving God and loving others is simultaneously liberating, tiring, joyful and revealing. As I leave this retreat and meet with other people, the more I see how God loves me, the more freedom I know, the more desire to just connect with other people.

Yet it is at the same time that this feeling of my initiation and the sense of undeveloped family makes my heart so tired. It feels like an upward struggle.

I won't oust the possibility that I am sensitive. But it's just so hard...shouldn't the family of God welcome you? I know each person is struggling with their own. I don't blame them, I understand. But I just feel tired...

Lord, give me the strength to persevere and to really see myself as You see me.

Lord, you're just so good. So good. As I finish my morning prayer hastily, I know there is more I want to request.

By the time I reach the table, the word "ask" is spoken into my ear. I know deep inside that I want all of it. All of Your blessings.

The greatest blessing is knowing that You want to give it to me.

Men who kill cockroaches rule.

When I think of you...


I get giddy.

Left Unspoken

The last day. One of the first things that I awoke to was pain. Perhaps I left it unheeded too long. I no longer know what medicine I need to tend to it and you.

I don't know if I could face you. I am so tired.

Land of the Free

The 20th day. One more, and I will resume the formalities of a "normal" life....I wonder how open the heavens will be above me. I expect the full egg white and yolk caboodle. Cracked wide open.

I thank God that I am here to conceptualize and visualise the great width and depth of Your gret proportions of forgiveness, mercy, compassion and perpetual desire to see good for me; even when I and the pretenses of humanity suggest I deserve less. Being here alone to witness this in the physical sense, Nature, is an act of grace that overwhelms me. My gratitude extends beyond the verbal expression. But I want to say it anyways. Thank you.

Today I thought about one of the greatest risks You took. You showed Your vulnerability to us. Us. Jesus was Your personalised "I love you", Your Hallmark's, hung on the cross for the world to see. When I think about how we are made in Your image, I think about how our ways are so different. You dared to boldly say "I love you" and revealed Your weakness, while many of us have an aversion to saying those three magical words, particularly to that one person. The words that allow people into our hearts and God's. "I love you" is the key to our treasures: our hearts.

I want to feel fierce: unadulterated in front of man and God.

I don't want to leave this place.

Ke neng shi ying wei ni tai xiang wo ba....so yi neng gou kan tou ni xin li...neng liew jie ni wei shen me bu shuo.

Dan ye ke neng ying wei wo wang quan bu dong ni...so yi ni zhou bu shuo.

Wo mei you shen me ke yi rang ni dong rao de. Shen cai ke yi rang ni xin dong.

Crab Cakes

1 lb lump crabmeat
3 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup finely chopped green onions
3 egg yolks
2 tbsp dry breadcrumbs
2 tbsp finely chopped fresh herbs (equal dill, parsley, tarragon, chives)
1 tbsp Dijon mustard
1 tbsp mayonnaise,
1 tsp Tabasco sauce
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp salt
Fresh ground pepper to taste

1. Preheat oven 350 F.
2. Place crabbeat in sieve; pice through and remove cartilage. Press firm to remove liquid. Transfer to large bowl.
3. Skillet - heat 1 tbsp oil over med. heat. Add green onions and cook for 2 mins till soft. Cool.
4. Add cooked onions, egg yolks, bread crumbs, herbs, mustard, mayonnaice, Tabasco and Worcestershire sauces, salt and pepper to crab. Stir mix till well combined, breaking up lumps of crabmeat with fingers.
5. Divide crab mixture into 8 round patties, 1/2" thick.
6. Large skillet - heat half of remaining oil over med-high heat and cook crab cakes in batches.

TBC....

Summer Miso Soup

8 cups cold water
1 6" x 3" piece of konbu (dried seaweed in Japanese store)
12 dried stiitake mushrooms
8 tsp loose sencha green tea
1/4 cup shiro (light) miso
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tsp Thai fish sauce

Garnish (any of following):
1 package cooked green tea noodles
2 stalks chopped green onion
1 package enoki mushrooms (stems discarded)
1 package silken tofu (small cubes)

1. Konbu + shiitakes + cold water - in pot. Heat & simmer for 15 mins, till soft. Remove from heat. Add green tea and let steep for 30 minutes.
2. Straing, discard konbu & green tea leaves and reserve broth. Slice stems from mushrooms, discard and thinly slice caps and return to broth.
3. Pour broth and mushrooms back into pot and bring to simmer. Mix in miso, soy sauce and fish sauce.
4. Ladle hot soup on top after putting garnishes down.

Bon appetit.

Seared Tiger Shrimp & Citrus Salad with Galangal Dressing

Dressing
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 cup yellow sugar
3/4 cup fresh lime juice
1/3 roughly chopped galangal
3 tbsp roughly chopped lime leaf
2 stalks lemongrass (sliced - bottom 3" to bulb-eye)
1 tbsp chopped garlic
1 minced Thai chili
2/3 tsp Thai fish sauce

1. Vinegar & sugar in stainless steel saucepan, heat uncovered on medium-high till thick caramel syrup, about 6 - 8 minutes.
2. Stir juice into syrgup. Add rest of dressing ingrediets. Simmer for 4 mins. Turn off heat, let dressing sit for 10 mins. Strain dress and discvard chopped veg. Makes dressing for 6 - 8 salads.
Citrus salad
3 blood oranges/2 navel - peel and segmented.
2 grapefruits - peeled & segmented
2 tbsp chopped cilantro
2 tbsp chopped mint leaves
2 tbsp chopped Thai basil leaves/regular

1. Toss ingredients with half of dressing. Reserve rest for shrimp.

Seared Tiger Shrimp
24 tiger shrimp (1-1-2 lbs) - shelled, intestines removed.
1 tsp curry powder
1 tsp sea salt
2 tbsp clarified unsalted butter (melt slow over low heat) - pour into anohter container and discard milky residue.

1. Toss shrimp with curry powder and salt. Heat heavy skillet till very hot. Add butter in skiller and add seasoned shrimp. Sear shrimp for minute on each side. REmove from heat and reserve
2. Serve: Small mount of citrus salad onto 6 - 8 plates. Top each with 3 seared shrimp. Drizzle dressing.

Bon appetit.