In the span of 24 hours, God can do many things. He can speak to a self-condemning girl like me and fill me up with His spirit and give me life and breathe once again. 

One day I was weighted down by the law because I tried to do with my flesh. It was killing me.

Today I did but asked for His spirit, and I could feel that I was being resuscitated. 

The mystery of God. 

On a lighter note, I discovered a magical little alley in Granville. How could I not know about this little street and it's wonderful mall??? Bought a tight-fitting high-waisted denim skirt. Hmm..need to lose some weight in the middle to look extra svelte in it. But a good purchase nonetheless at $100. 

Also saw a Alexander McQueen dress for $792. The sample was totally worth it. It's too bad my body is literally not the right rack for it. Lead me to think about other things in general, like boys. They are wonderful, but they are well, just not right for me. 

ing coat - 450 

avante garde vest - 450 

satin blue sleeveless top - 450 

leather ankle boots - 399 

Sigh. I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with fashion....may consider bring jj back there. I'm pretty sure she'll go mad too...

Darkness

I'm feeling like Jonah right now, sinking deeper and deeper into the sea. Feeling morose and resentful and all those crappy feelings. I feel hurt and raw and bitter that things didn't go my way. 

Looking at facebook, at his'n'her dialogue, feeling upset at the way I spoke tonight about the lack of eye contact and affirmation from my fellow dinner table guy, feeling discouraged about the judging comments made in the car and the absolute conviction of my parents that they will never become Christians. Upset that I haven't chosen a house church. 

It makes me wonder: why do I even try? is it really worth it? 

It's not easy being me and I keep on complaining and wanting more. I hate it and yet I still live this vicious cycle. When can I stop? When will I feel like I can breathe? 

I wish I was right with You God. Where did my passion for You go? Where is my worship to my first love?? Why am I living in this hell hole?? 

I feel so screwed up, ungrateful and unloveable. 

Why do You still love me anyway....

Simply Put

" Thank You. "

These words said in etiquette are so easy to say, and yet so often I find myself mum and almost feeling deserving when I receive good things. After all, I am me...why wouldn't someone give me things? I am entitled. I am...well, I just am. 

But in the midst of it, what You've done, not out of courtesy or obligation, but a gift of tremendous value, my "thank you" doesn't seem quite enough for what You're about to do in my life, my family's life, my co worker's life. A simple "thank you" doesn't express enough how in the deepest part of my heart, I feel an immense debt of gratitude, of appreciation that I can never  repay. And yet, happily relieved that I cannot pay the price. 

God, You're so good. Thank you. 

While my "thank you" may never suffice, yet in seems in a way the most closest to how I feel. 

Brooke Fraser - Seeds

Night Field of stars above us You pick one We frame it with our fingers intertwined Seeds of every generation Between our hands And the promise to teach you the little I have learned So far CHORUS Child What will you live to do? What have I left for you? What will we leave behind? You Learning as you're growing Not yet knowing The world isn't always quite as beautiful As it is now CHORUS INSTRUMENTAL Night Field of stars above us I pick one and name it for you And all who are to come

Copyright Brooke Fraser and David Bassett

Estella by default?

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet Lyrics

Walking, stumbling
On these shadow feet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Now fast approaching is the day

CHORUS
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way


CHORUS


Bridge
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things...

CHORUS

CHORUS 2
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

This space, I've been here before. The uncomfortable and uncertain space between two phases in your life, like the accordion bit between carriages...

There isn't really a going forward or a backward. It's a question of where I want to be and where I should be...


Today wasn't such a great day. It was mostly sobering because I realised that May had a point and I was greatly humbled. The complaining, my calloused and party pooper attitude towards this job. Hananim mi an hae. Nae ga chal moet ae ss o. Yong so hae ju sae yo...I've been such a jerk about this...I've been ungratefuly and forgotten that I should do the best job that I can. She's right...I need to be patiently abiding, humbled and submitted to whatever God will have me do...I've got to take responsibility for what I do, and stop being immature about it and take ownership of what I do...

Flicker

There are those encounters you have that breathe a flicker of life back into you. They rescucitate you always at the most significant of times.

I met up with Perry yesterday and he reminded me once again that I must inhale. Otherwise I'd exhume before my time.

I guess I've been holding my breathe. These days have been painful, being deconstructed. I feel like and am like a house that is being built down. What you would see are my skeletons. Yes. I am like the valley of the dry bones. Thinking that I am preserving life by holding it in, I contain staleness. Holding on so desperately to death when what I need is life. I need God's breathe in me. His life, not mine. So why am I being such an ass about this? Prolonging death instead of embracing the living?

I want to move on.

Hearing God's Voice Part III

Being able to hear God's voice - three steps

1) Availability - no better time than the present (SCHEDULE THE TIME FOR HIM)
Matthew 4 - Man cannot live on bread alone, but only the Word of Life;
Isaiah 40 (those who wait on the Lord soar on the wings of eagles);
Daniel 6 - example who spent regular time with the Lord
*disobeying nudgings = won't get them anymore

2) Willingness
John 7:16 onwards. If you are willing to obey, you'll know it's Him.
He speaks in ways He will test us, make us grow
Acts 8 - Paul listened
Be blessed by taking that step of faith - decision that takes the most?

3) Humility - discernment
- If only we see how God is protecting us with His angels, His omnipotence
Numbers 12 - Moses most humblest man on face on earth - could speak to God face to face.
"if God is for you who can be against you???
God: You're a fool.
You: Yes I am.

God: You're the king of the universe.
You: Yes I am.

Psalm 138
Matthew 23

God most abhors pride.

Question: Why do I want to hear God's voice?
Need only?
His children.
Ephesians 5:10

It's been so long since I've sat down and collected my thoughts, to be responsible to them and really allow them to be heard.

Wait. Has it really been so long? I know I sound redundant, but when I think how long it's been that I've picked up the mirror to look at myself, I realise that I've held back for too long.

It's time...to pick up the pen again.

To write how I feel, to acknowledge them, to more than God and a few chosen few, but to unknown faces.

How do I begin?

Do I start from where I left off?

Wherever I start, I know one thing is true. Even if I am little, my voice will not be.

My voice will be heard.

Bethany Dillon - Let your light shine

Verse 1
The calmer of the sea
Here in this room with me
So gently welcoming
The weakest things in me

You are the blood over
The door of my heart
What pain You spared me from
How could I know it all

Wonderful love You died for me
The power of
Your life is in me

Chorus
Father let Your light shine down on me (x2)
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father let Your light shine down on me

Verse 2
Oh Jesus You became
What was my deepest shame
That had Your very name
My callous heart would change

How could You perfect one
Love me when I have done
Nothing that's worthy of
My freedom You have won

Oh wonderful one
You've died for me
The power of love
Your life is in me

Chorus

Bridge
Open up the heavens
Pour down Your spirit
Hold me God
Oh Jesus whoever You lead
Sing harmony
Shine on me God

Chorus (x 3)

I love going braless. :)

Perhaps the most physically free/liberated I can feel without feeling uncomfortable or offending others. Like PeeWee Herman.

Loose Ends

I better write this down before I forget all of it. Life is blurry since university. It's not good.

1. Dream (surprise engagement party)
2. Dream (withdrawal scrolls, washroom - lots of lumps in the bowl, slowly swirling, difficulty flushing, parents, in part of Toronto and I was in this movie, then China with Im-Sook and she's bargaining prices for something)
3. What is he waiting for? I sense that it is not me. Does that mean that it's not meant to be?
4. The winning point: God is after our hearts. If that's the case, how bad could anything be?

Your words assure and sustain me.

1. Assurance of Salvation (1 John 5:11-12)
And this is the testimony: "God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

2. Assurance of Answered Prayers (John 16:24)
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

3. Assurance of Victory (1 Corinthians 10:13)
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

4. Assurance of Forgiveness (1 John 1:9)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

5. Assurance of Guidance (Provers 3:5-6)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

6. Putting Christ first (Matthew 6:33)
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

7. His Strength (Philippians 4:13)
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

8. God's Word (Psalms 119:9,11)
How does a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word...I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

9. Love (John 13:34-35)
A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. All men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.

10. Giving (2 Corinthians 9:7)
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

11. The church (Psalm 122:1)
I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go to the house of the Lord."

12. Good Works (Ephesians 2:10)
For we are God's workmanship, created in Jesus Christ to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do.

I ask why, knowing that I won't be the one who knows why.

I ask how, knowing that I won't be the one who knows how.

I ask where, knowing that I won't be the who knows where.

It's always been this way with me. The peeping tom. I can't invade thinking space. I can't always understand.

And I just can't be at all places at once.

I want to though.

That's only something You seem to be able to do.

Bethany Dillon - For My Love lyrics

Walk towards me
I want to hear
the heavens singing over You
When You breathe
and look at me
I want to be captured by You

Gaze into my eyes
let me know You'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with You tonight
Just ask me
For my love

I want to hide
What's deep in my eyes
I'm scared to be known by You
But when I turn my head
I see You there
I wanna be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip Your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with You tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I would wake from
Story that will never end
The ground Your feet walk on
Let me be there
Let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
X2

Slip your hand in mine
Ask me dance with You tonight
Ask me for my love


Sidenote: Falling in love, knowing that I am loved and knowing that women want to be loved like this, the song's sentiments resonate with me. Bethany Dillon, you can strum the chords of my heart anytime.

On a deeper level, the thanks goes to the Big Man Upstairs. For trusting us with spreading Your message. It blows my mind when I ask myself why You trust me, us. Besides the fact that You are with us always, could it be because You designed us and know we could do it with Your help? Even though You don't need us?

There's so many ways to conclude. I mean, B, just pick a path and follow it. I'd like to think of it like this: You let us do things, so in the midst, we learn that You know us everything about us. And as we learn how much You know us, we experience You.

Thanks Pr.Sam for the mindblowing message you gave yesterday. SP, you're the one for me, till ?

This journey to loving myself, loving God and loving others is simultaneously liberating, tiring, joyful and revealing. As I leave this retreat and meet with other people, the more I see how God loves me, the more freedom I know, the more desire to just connect with other people.

Yet it is at the same time that this feeling of my initiation and the sense of undeveloped family makes my heart so tired. It feels like an upward struggle.

I won't oust the possibility that I am sensitive. But it's just so hard...shouldn't the family of God welcome you? I know each person is struggling with their own. I don't blame them, I understand. But I just feel tired...

Lord, give me the strength to persevere and to really see myself as You see me.

Lord, you're just so good. So good. As I finish my morning prayer hastily, I know there is more I want to request.

By the time I reach the table, the word "ask" is spoken into my ear. I know deep inside that I want all of it. All of Your blessings.

The greatest blessing is knowing that You want to give it to me.

Men who kill cockroaches rule.

When I think of you...


I get giddy.