Pursuit of Stillness

Restlessness is catching up with me and the joy and hope that I brought back from NZ seems to have temporarily hid away. I hope this is only temporary.

I let busyness and distractions get the best of me, when what I needed was to enjoy the rest I'm receiving.

No, I didn't have to check gmail a gazillion times.
No, I didn't have to surf FB. I really didn't have to.

None of these things are THAT important.

Sigh. There's still 14 more days to go. I don't want to waste this opportunity of experiencing Your mothering storge side of Your heart.

Help me hunger for Your presence more.
Help me focus on You.
Help me do all things...because I can't do anything without You.

That state of utter weakness confounds many and to the world it is easily the state in which I can be attacked, hurt.

But there is beauty, strength and it is completely the place where You can do the most. Vulnerability is incredible.

Random Pre-INS Thoughts

I've arrived. In New Zealand, Auckland. Just one ferry ride away from the ultimate destination - Orama, Great Barrier Island.

Now awaiting the ferry that will "bring me home", I don't know what to expect.

Apprehensive and anxious, I feel like I'm preoccupied with those thoughts.

Deep breathe and calm. That's what I need. If I could inhale the serene blue of the sky and feel it fill me up. I feel like that's what it must feel and how you can describe to a child what it's like to have God's peace beyond understanding.

I want so much. Yet I want without discerning or specifying. Hmm.

I feel all this pent up business inside of me. I need it somehow to vacate. I need to release it. I need to be free.

To want and know not where to begin...

Questions questions questions

Will I survive the cold?

Will I make friends?

Will I fit in?

Am I ready for what God has in store?

Will I meet someone?

Thoughts thoughts thoughts

I'm freezing

I should have brought more spaghetti straps

I miss home

Is this too crazy?? Am I doing the right thing?

Will I be able to write like I thought?


Arrggggghhhhhhh.

what is the point of being "wise" if you don't take your own advice?

what the crap is that??

ugh.

a true fool.

Surfacing

As work chugs along and picks up pace to that special day, thoughts on friends, friendship and community rise to the surface. Things which I allowed to sink into the oceanic depths of my heart are reappearing; whether I like it or not. And they're not pretty.

Do I choose to salve or feign ignorance? History says I opt for the latter; an emotional shutdown for every time my hopes are met with hurts. It would be easier to maintain a distance from these shipwrecks. My heart would sigh gladly and be relieved. I could continue living a sheltered existence. Yet...

The lure or more, of adventure and pocketing gems of self-discovery invites me to step out.

To date or not to date?
To initiate communication or to not communicate?

Those are just questions that bring me to even deeper places. I feel unready and non prepared.

But I have a strange feeling that I am a lot more ready than I presume myself to be...

God, help me not to freak out.

Bonnie

Bonnie is going to talk in third person...

Bonnie is over-the-moon happy over her piping hot yam, its candied insides and its smoked, caramel skin.

Bonnie is thankful that God made yams and that she can appreciate them during this time. :)

I vacillate a lot between utmost despair to peaks of euphoria and that yo-yo ing is becoming less extreme. But still there are parts inside me that I know need attention. Places where I look and think, "God, this is so ugly. You're bringing this to the surface...how do I deal...

I'm walking through that valley right now. Being honest with myself, being brave enough to face myself was the hardest yet past time. Increasing light in me continues to cause the darkness to retreat and tremble. It also reveals vermin that need to be dealt with. Jealousy, relationship issues, rebelliousness. They're not good things, but I'm glad they're being sieved out.

And I am encouraged by these verses:

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Galations 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body is lived by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.

It's a late night for me, kids. But it was a good one, and nice place to start reflecting in lieu of the upcoming weekend.

It'll be interesting to see the aftermath.

Favorite Quotes

Sheep: I'm going to keep faking it till I feel it.

This is not about sex about by the way.

The Morning After

10:38 am. Causeway Bay. "obama" service apartments...

i sit before you, supposedly sleeping, but decidedly awake in the living room with Elizabeth Town playing in the background.

i feel better. those words "i hate boys" resounded this morning in my head as i emerged into waking. it was relieving to say the least to put out there what i felt.

but the question remains: what do i do with it?

for a girl like me, the greatest of liars that can even fool myself, it's another confession - another clue to the depths of my heart and truly am.

it comes in a time when i am rediscovering myself. haha. i am always discovering myself. but to bring it to the open to make it "real"...

thanks l for calling. things are getting better more than they are getting worse.

i'm glad i have great girl friends. :)

blue cheese tastes good with instant coffee. so wine can kiss its ass. :P

Second Time Round...

i did not expect that i would enter this headspace again. i thought i had resolved this issue in my heart. but as things happen, i am.

why must i go through this pain again? all the hurt and distrust of guys just wells up inside me again. why do i fall so easily? why don't they like me back? is it because i'm not good enough? a candid confession if there is any of me floating around on cyber space. i feel like there is all this "stuff" that's inside of me. i feel insecure.

even though anticipating what she was gonna say and what was going on, there is always the unexpected - how i'll react in the situation. she didn't expect i would be this hurt. i braved on honesty and told her how confusing he was. that helped for me to be real. 

once again, like in the k & j situation i seemed gracious and strong. but i'm not. even if jj says i am. but isn't that the not good part? God wants me to be weak so He can be my strength. 

even so, i feel like i've been rejected.  talking to my cousin who tried to comfort me helped a little. i'm pondering if i should call on my prayer army and ask for their support. 

i wonder when i will learn my lesson. how will i handle this? is this a test? how will i fare on it?why can't i just be happy for once for a new couple??? when will i stop envying and living for myself? 

all these spirit-breaking questions. humbling. and also i'm wondering: by circumstance or by my choice? 

when will i have my happy ending? 

In the span of 24 hours, God can do many things. He can speak to a self-condemning girl like me and fill me up with His spirit and give me life and breathe once again. 

One day I was weighted down by the law because I tried to do with my flesh. It was killing me.

Today I did but asked for His spirit, and I could feel that I was being resuscitated. 

The mystery of God. 

On a lighter note, I discovered a magical little alley in Granville. How could I not know about this little street and it's wonderful mall??? Bought a tight-fitting high-waisted denim skirt. Hmm..need to lose some weight in the middle to look extra svelte in it. But a good purchase nonetheless at $100. 

Also saw a Alexander McQueen dress for $792. The sample was totally worth it. It's too bad my body is literally not the right rack for it. Lead me to think about other things in general, like boys. They are wonderful, but they are well, just not right for me. 

ing coat - 450 

avante garde vest - 450 

satin blue sleeveless top - 450 

leather ankle boots - 399 

Sigh. I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with fashion....may consider bring jj back there. I'm pretty sure she'll go mad too...

Darkness

I'm feeling like Jonah right now, sinking deeper and deeper into the sea. Feeling morose and resentful and all those crappy feelings. I feel hurt and raw and bitter that things didn't go my way. 

Looking at facebook, at his'n'her dialogue, feeling upset at the way I spoke tonight about the lack of eye contact and affirmation from my fellow dinner table guy, feeling discouraged about the judging comments made in the car and the absolute conviction of my parents that they will never become Christians. Upset that I haven't chosen a house church. 

It makes me wonder: why do I even try? is it really worth it? 

It's not easy being me and I keep on complaining and wanting more. I hate it and yet I still live this vicious cycle. When can I stop? When will I feel like I can breathe? 

I wish I was right with You God. Where did my passion for You go? Where is my worship to my first love?? Why am I living in this hell hole?? 

I feel so screwed up, ungrateful and unloveable. 

Why do You still love me anyway....

Simply Put

" Thank You. "

These words said in etiquette are so easy to say, and yet so often I find myself mum and almost feeling deserving when I receive good things. After all, I am me...why wouldn't someone give me things? I am entitled. I am...well, I just am. 

But in the midst of it, what You've done, not out of courtesy or obligation, but a gift of tremendous value, my "thank you" doesn't seem quite enough for what You're about to do in my life, my family's life, my co worker's life. A simple "thank you" doesn't express enough how in the deepest part of my heart, I feel an immense debt of gratitude, of appreciation that I can never  repay. And yet, happily relieved that I cannot pay the price. 

God, You're so good. Thank you. 

While my "thank you" may never suffice, yet in seems in a way the most closest to how I feel. 

Brooke Fraser - Seeds

Night Field of stars above us You pick one We frame it with our fingers intertwined Seeds of every generation Between our hands And the promise to teach you the little I have learned So far CHORUS Child What will you live to do? What have I left for you? What will we leave behind? You Learning as you're growing Not yet knowing The world isn't always quite as beautiful As it is now CHORUS INSTRUMENTAL Night Field of stars above us I pick one and name it for you And all who are to come

Copyright Brooke Fraser and David Bassett

Estella by default?

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet Lyrics

Walking, stumbling
On these shadow feet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Now fast approaching is the day

CHORUS
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way


CHORUS


Bridge
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things...

CHORUS

CHORUS 2
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

This space, I've been here before. The uncomfortable and uncertain space between two phases in your life, like the accordion bit between carriages...

There isn't really a going forward or a backward. It's a question of where I want to be and where I should be...


Today wasn't such a great day. It was mostly sobering because I realised that May had a point and I was greatly humbled. The complaining, my calloused and party pooper attitude towards this job. Hananim mi an hae. Nae ga chal moet ae ss o. Yong so hae ju sae yo...I've been such a jerk about this...I've been ungratefuly and forgotten that I should do the best job that I can. She's right...I need to be patiently abiding, humbled and submitted to whatever God will have me do...I've got to take responsibility for what I do, and stop being immature about it and take ownership of what I do...

Flicker

There are those encounters you have that breathe a flicker of life back into you. They rescucitate you always at the most significant of times.

I met up with Perry yesterday and he reminded me once again that I must inhale. Otherwise I'd exhume before my time.

I guess I've been holding my breathe. These days have been painful, being deconstructed. I feel like and am like a house that is being built down. What you would see are my skeletons. Yes. I am like the valley of the dry bones. Thinking that I am preserving life by holding it in, I contain staleness. Holding on so desperately to death when what I need is life. I need God's breathe in me. His life, not mine. So why am I being such an ass about this? Prolonging death instead of embracing the living?

I want to move on.

Hearing God's Voice Part III

Being able to hear God's voice - three steps

1) Availability - no better time than the present (SCHEDULE THE TIME FOR HIM)
Matthew 4 - Man cannot live on bread alone, but only the Word of Life;
Isaiah 40 (those who wait on the Lord soar on the wings of eagles);
Daniel 6 - example who spent regular time with the Lord
*disobeying nudgings = won't get them anymore

2) Willingness
John 7:16 onwards. If you are willing to obey, you'll know it's Him.
He speaks in ways He will test us, make us grow
Acts 8 - Paul listened
Be blessed by taking that step of faith - decision that takes the most?

3) Humility - discernment
- If only we see how God is protecting us with His angels, His omnipotence
Numbers 12 - Moses most humblest man on face on earth - could speak to God face to face.
"if God is for you who can be against you???
God: You're a fool.
You: Yes I am.

God: You're the king of the universe.
You: Yes I am.

Psalm 138
Matthew 23

God most abhors pride.

Question: Why do I want to hear God's voice?
Need only?
His children.
Ephesians 5:10

It's been so long since I've sat down and collected my thoughts, to be responsible to them and really allow them to be heard.

Wait. Has it really been so long? I know I sound redundant, but when I think how long it's been that I've picked up the mirror to look at myself, I realise that I've held back for too long.

It's time...to pick up the pen again.

To write how I feel, to acknowledge them, to more than God and a few chosen few, but to unknown faces.

How do I begin?

Do I start from where I left off?

Wherever I start, I know one thing is true. Even if I am little, my voice will not be.

My voice will be heard.

Bethany Dillon - Let your light shine

Verse 1
The calmer of the sea
Here in this room with me
So gently welcoming
The weakest things in me

You are the blood over
The door of my heart
What pain You spared me from
How could I know it all

Wonderful love You died for me
The power of
Your life is in me

Chorus
Father let Your light shine down on me (x2)
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father let Your light shine down on me

Verse 2
Oh Jesus You became
What was my deepest shame
That had Your very name
My callous heart would change

How could You perfect one
Love me when I have done
Nothing that's worthy of
My freedom You have won

Oh wonderful one
You've died for me
The power of love
Your life is in me

Chorus

Bridge
Open up the heavens
Pour down Your spirit
Hold me God
Oh Jesus whoever You lead
Sing harmony
Shine on me God

Chorus (x 3)